#23

it's not me

f l e s h 

i'm made of it

yes

but it didn't make me

Step out of the field

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about insecurity. Let me give you some context about me. I am not one that gets super insecure about her body, or her singleness, or say her identity. God really worked in that area of my life early on. I was able to see that I was created the way I was created for a purpose. Letting God work in me what He wants to. So, what's my insecurity you ask? My biggest insecurity that I struggle with is if I'm good enough or not. Good enough for the promises God has put on my life, whether I'm good enough to be a good wife, mother, etc. This specific insecurity has been eating at me the past couple months. About four days ago God reminded me of the story of David, when he was being anointed as king over Israel in 1 Samuel 16. God knew who the king would be even before Samuel went out to anoint him. Samuel goes to Bethlehem to the house of Jesse and his many sons. Samuel took a look at one of the sons, Eliab, and told God that he had to be the one. God responds back he's not the king going on in verse 16:7 "man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." Jesse then presents all of his sons to Samuel, to see who it is that is called to be the anointed king. God says no, to all seven. Finally, Samuel asks if there are any more sons. Jesse responds and tells him about David. The rut. Out tending sheep. Jesse goes at get David from the fields, and the Lord is overjoyed. God tells Samuel to anoint him right then and there. It says David was anointed with oil and the Holy Spirit entered him like a rush of wind. David becomes King and is strengthen by God for the rest of his life. I was curious why God would compare this story to my moody behavior and insecurity. I saw what He was saying. He's not looking at what I can do. He's not looking at what others are looking at. He's not looking at what others think about me. He sees my heart. He knows I want those promises for my life, even if I get in my own way. He knows I have a heart to be a wife. He knows I have a heart to be a mother, not just to my own children but to anyone who crosses my path. He doesn't need me to be perfect. He just needs me to be able. Jesse said David was the rut, but David was out in the field not concerned with what others were doing. God sees that! He knew David would be the right king over Israel, even if David didn't think he was good enough, or if David slipped up. This realization blew me right away. I realized that if I have God's approval,  I don't need anyone else's. I can be truly me. I don't have to prove anything. I am enough. I am enough for the dreams I have in my heart. I am enough to be who God is calling me to be. When we see God calling us out of the field, let's be ready for that. No questions asked. No more "God, are you sure?" If there's one thing I know it's that even when I'm so unsure of myself, God is so sure of me. What are you struggling with today? What insecurity is holding you back? Step out! God's waiting to anoint you into the next season of your life. You are enough. Let him call you out from the field.

2017

Lord,

Thank you that this year is a year of promise. Your promises. I surrender all that I have and all that I am for your glory, and to know you in a deeper way. Search me, Lord. Remove anything that would stand in the way of what we have. Let this be the year that I'm overwhelmed with the knowledge of who you are. Surprise me like you always do. I want you, Lord. You are the one thing I need, the one thing I want. Fix my eyes on who you are. Thank you that you know my heart and that you have so much in store for me. Your faithfulness is my confidence. Let me be like the star of Bethlehem. Shining bright, so that people are able to seek and find you.

LOVE YOU.
I'M THRILLED FOR THIS YEAR.

Love,
Shan

PSALM 3:3

Yesterday, I realized that I've been suffering from depression. I realized it's something I've been battling with for a long time. I thought for the longest time that something was wrong with my sadness. That I didn't have any reason to be sad. For me, It's really easy to excuse it, I say things like: "oh I don't have money and that's why I feel like this " "oh I'm single and I'm alone" or more recently "oh I miss my family" But in reality, I am depressed. There's nothing else to it. You can be sad, miss someone and be depressed. You can be happy, surrounded by people and STILL be depressed. The issue is that depression wants you to try and fake it. You go crazy trying to be normal and act like everything's okay. You try and tack it on being sad about something when it's really just depression. Depression tries to steal your sadness - honestly it makes you think you can't be sad or that sadness isn't normal. Sadness is a part of life, it's temporary. That's where depression fools you because depression is lasting. It tries to steal your joy, your driving force. It tries to steal your peace, because it wants you to be at war with yourself. Depression more than anything wants to steal your very own mind. Depression keeps your mind is in a constant state of confusing, and you can't understand why you are going through what you are going through. Yesterday I learned that for years I've been battling depression but I also realized that I am healing. The Holy Spirit really began a new work in me - I could feel it. I felt the fire of God in my chest. I felt the weight on my soul become less. I know that when I raised my hand and was honest about what I didn't see at first, I was able to start the process of not letting depression take me out. I really just wanted to honest with everyone, because NO ONE should go through this alone. Please remember if you're soul is tired that it's not forever. Remember that joy comes in the morning. Remember that you shouldn't just cope with your depression. You should be free from it. It's gunna be hard, it's definitely not going to be pretty, and it's going to take a lot of bravery. You're going to have to fight for your joy. You FIGHT for that beautiful mind! Your soul may be tired but you can also tell it to fight! Because the victory is yours! We are more than what we feel, we are more than what we do, we are more than people think. We are MORE! You are more!

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; 

don’t try to figure out everything on your own. 

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; 

he’s the one who will keep you on track. 

Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! 

Your body will glow with health, 

your very bones will vibrate with life! 

Honor God with everything you own; 

give him the first and the best. 

Your barns will burst, 

your wine vats will brim over. 

But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline; 

don’t sulk under his loving correction. 

It’s the child he loves that God corrects; 

a father’s delight is behind all this.

Proverbs 3: 5-12 (MSG)

2016

Lord,

I surrender 2016 to you. I surrender this year for you, and your glory. I will trust you. You know everything that I need in this new year. Awaken my heart deeper into your word, your voice, your mind, and your heart. I pray that each day I would wake up with a fresh level of peace and a fresh measure of faith. I know that you do all things that work together for good. Help me to cling to your truth forever. Help me to strive for faithfulness, and help me to see grace in my growth. Bless the work of my hands that I may bless others. Help me to see and love people for who they are in your kingdom. Thank you for who you are and who I am in you. Thank you that I can to partner with you and do great things this year! Thank you for your love! And thank you for another year that I can say yes to love and no to fear! 

Love, 

Shan

I'll worship you forever

When I'm like "What's the next step?"
He says "Come pray and talk to me"
When I say "I have no idea what I'm doing"
He says "I do, come spend time in the word with me and I'll show you"
When I'm completely torn and lost or happy or just being myself
He says "Worship with your life"
So I say "I'll worship you forever"